Mothers day

Today is Mothers day.

It's weird. When I was little I used to bring home handmade craftings or drawings as gift to my mother. At that time the hardest thing was whether to wear the pink dress or the red dress to school. Life was so much more simple cause I was only a pure little girl who didn't understand much. At that time was also where my feelings were the purest. If I was happy I let people see it with a smile, if I was sad I would just cry it out and it would all be fine the next minute. Now? .. Everyday I go hiding my feelings. Sure, my friends are there for me if I need them, but sometimes there are just things you dont want to share with other people and it gets stuck in your heart. And over the time more and more things gets stuck and your heart feels so heavy. Hey.. I am only 17? Why do I feel this way? Is it because what have happened in the past?  

Ever since I can remember I've felt like I liked my dad the most. My dad understands me more and he is strict. He is my role model. He sets my boundaries even though I sometimes break them. My dad came from a family of 4 siblings, parents with no education or money. But my dad made it all happen. He studied his ass off, worked his ass off for a brighter future. And here I am, thanks to him. He is very down to earth where my mother is more spiritual. She believes in Falun gong. Sometimes I am not sure if she puts Family before Falun gong or Falun gong first. Ever since I came to understand her obsession with Falun gong I have hated her little by little each day. Hated she believed so much in Falun gong that everything else didn't matter. Hated what she did in the past. Hated hated hated because I could not change her. Because she would not change for our family. Hated that she was so weak. 

But. 

It is not true that I love my dad more than my mom. My mom, she is clumsy. Her cooking is worse than my fathers. She tells me to wash my face, brush my teeth, sleep early, relax , 10 times a day. She always smiles, even when she is sick. Her voice tone is always kind. My mother, she may not be good at many things. But the thing she is best at is being my mom. I have had issues with my mother for years. Arguing with her almost every day. I thought that I really hated her before but now I understand. I didn't shout at my mother because I hated her, I shouted at her because I cared about her. Because I love her. I hate seeing her ruining herself and this family because of her beliefs. I wanted her to change, but now I only wish for that she stays the same way forever. 

Happy Mothers day, mom. I'll always love you.

Your daugther.